dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
