I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
