'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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