please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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