god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
