whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
