I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
