i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
