Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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