I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
