I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
