Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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