Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's shark week go big or go home
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
