just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
