I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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