Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
