sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
