rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
