I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
