alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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