Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need to calm my uterus...
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