So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
