I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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