I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
