I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
