I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
