hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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