Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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