Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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