i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
