I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
