If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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