Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
