He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
