he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
