he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
