3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
