At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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