you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
