i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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