he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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