This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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