Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
