i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
