what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
