his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
