Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
