I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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