did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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