the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
