The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
