Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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